don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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