my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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