yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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