I wish I could teleport
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
