he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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