Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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