I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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