3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
