I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
