My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
