I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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