Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
