this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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