You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions