I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
