I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
