I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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