Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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