i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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