i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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