you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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