Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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