Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
