apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
