You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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