Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
