Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
