I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Even my vagina gasped.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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