I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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