sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
