i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
