I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
