I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
