Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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