sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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