I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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