Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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