i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
