You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
