my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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