All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
