I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
