At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
