soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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