So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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