By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
