New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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