Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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