She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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