Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
