We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize