It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Say something about gay babies.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
