she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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