Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
